Unravelling The Illusion of People Pleasing

In counselling, one of the hardest challenges is confronting the consequences of people-pleasing.

It affects not only individuals, but also their families’ physical and mental well-being.

Witnessing the consequences of this illusion, I have observed individuals sacrificing their ownboundaries and neglecting their needs in anattempt to gain approval and acceptance and a“peaceful life”. However, the truth is that people-pleasing, in the long run, brings no true satisfaction. It often leads to a sense of disconnection, dissatisfaction and detrimental effect on our mental and physical well-being.

Mentally, people-pleasing often causes chronic stress, anxiety, loss of confidence and burnout.

Constantly prioritising the needs of others over their own leaves the person emotionally drained and vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy and self-

doubt. This is also reflected in their physical health, weakening the immune system and causing sleep disturbance, headaches, muscle tension, fatigue and decreased energy levels.

Imagine having a work/life arrangement with clear boundaries that protect you and your family.

Where people respect your time and your word, and your family can rely on you.

So, what’s holding you back?

People-pleasing leads to dissatisfaction and disconnect. I’ve witnessed individuals sacrificing their own needs in a cycle of doom ending up with seeking help to find healing - sometimes in positive ways, other times not.

Families suffer breakdowns and lose trust in the promises made by people-pleasers. Work productivity declines and the balance between work, rest and play becomes forgotten.

Exhaustion takes a toll. It’s a heart-breaking sight - a shattered individual lacking self-respect because others fail to respect them.

Fortunately, it’s not the end!

There is a path to break free from people-pleasing. Many seek help because their families genuinely respect, honour and love them, desiring the best for their loved ones.

Through assertiveness, we can proactively manage situations, ensuring that requests and boundaries are respected, preventing frustration andoverwhelming emotions.

So, then we can, beyond the hopelessness, ask the question of the glimmer of hope: What can I do about it?

Liberating Ourselves from the People-pleasing Cycle

Breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle seemsdaunting in a society filled with self-sacrifice andput-downs. But it begins with courage:

Courage to believe in our capacity to learn and grow.

Courage to remember or re-discover our authentic self.

By continually prioritising others’ needs, we deny them the chance to know our true, authentic self, and yet, surrounding ourselves with supportive loving individuals is cruicial in helping us learn and remember who we are.

People-pleasing is a tragedy that leaves us feeling unseen, unheard, unfulfilled and uncared for.

However, setting boundaries and practicing assertiveness liberates us. True fulfilment lies inaligning with our values, desires and needs, rather than constantly seeking or worrying about external validation and others’ demands.

Honouring our boundaries and expressing ourselves truly authentically invites genuine connections and true acceptance.

Boundaries and Assertiveness - the path to authenticity

Let’s start the journey back to authenticity by asking ourselves the question:

Do we remember who we are?

It’s a melancholy question because our authentic self often gets lost in the people-pleasing process. Yet it stems from our inherent kindness,

generosity and easy-going nature, making itdifficult to establish boundaries and be assertive.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean isolation or forcing our will on others, it’s about recognising our limits, seeking assistance when necessary and leading lives which benefit both ourselves and others.

Clear boundaries enable us to communicate our needs empathetically and concisely, respecting ourselves and others.

Being assertive goes beyond setting boundaries: it means confidently and honestly expressing them, reclaiming our personal power.

Can we do it? Absolutely!

By recognising the illusion of people-pleasing and its limitations, we can embrace our authentic self, practice assertiveness and respect both our boundaries and those of others.

Let’s communicate clearly, breaking free from the endless cycle of meeting others’ demands.